Attributes of Allah - The Most Dramatic

In the beginning there was a void, and Allah got so bored that He uttered, "Let there be drama" and there it was.

Surely He must have got bored because He created Angels from light and made them go around Him singing praises to Him. Maybe they even performed a ballet called Allah is Great.

He creates the Jinns from smokeless fire. And even takes one of them as his favourite to the rank of angels in his court. You might know this fellow by the name of Iblees. Iblees having personally known and experienced Allah, chose to disobey Him. Yet Allah expects us humans to believe in Him without even having experienced shit about Him.

He knows what would happen when He created humans. Heresy. War. His Wrath. Suffering. Destruction. So He said, "Let the mayhem begin" and it was.

He knows what each of would do in our life time. He knows how pure we are. And yet, He makes us go through a life on this wretched planet with all the fanfare. He demands sacrifice. It is almost as if He has a thing for sadism.

He creates Evil. And he punishes humans for it. Floods. Brimstones from the sky. Plague. Allah loves torture.

He sends down prophet after prophet, religion after religion, claiming that He cares about us and wants to save us from a torment that He has created. Sweet! The blazing FAYAA! Ma BBQ man! The holy frying pan! Sadistic bastard.

He puts a clause in each religion He sends to rejects all other religions, including those others that He sent, declare them as heretics and to fight them. To annihilate the unbelievers from the face of the Earth. And all this in the name of - wait for it - Peace. ROFLMAO.

He could have instill faith in all of us. He could have provided a better way of showing his Existence. But no. He sends down Messengers and faxes them Books. And makes these Messengers do magical things. Like parting the moon or parting the Red Sea. The Books tell tales of magic, mythology and fantasy. And we read them in awe. The greatest stories ever told. Worthy of multiple movies in Hollywood. Disney was probably a creation of God. They tell the adventures of the prophets and how we are supposed to legally relieve our sexual tensions.

At the end of all this comes the Judgement Day when He will refuse to let the dead rest in peace any longer. We are reanimated and made to wait yet millennia, wondering whether we are gonna rip some 72 hymens or sizzle our whistles on the eternal flame. Scare tactics.

And finally, paradise for those who were good ol chumps who worshipped Allah, even though they raped and plundered. For each are a tent near a cool oasis where trees grow. Sounds like an Arab fantasy of the time of Mohamed. Had the pedophile been around this time, the Quran probably would have promised mansions with central air-conditioning with well trained whores and cable TV. Maybe even a Wii.

For those who were naughty enough to not follow the ambiguous ramblings of Allah, even though they gave in charity and didn’t harm a soul, a black fire awaits them. They will burn in there forever.

And from the very beginning till the end, all this serves as entertainment for a bored Allah. A cosmic drama for His enjoyment. A tragedy of apocalyptic proportions to soothe His loins. On hindsight, He would realise that He would have been better off just banging all virgins in Paradise. And we should realise that this asshole made us go though all this shit just to serve him as a Punch & Judy show.