Attributes of Allah - The Most Dramatic

In the beginning there was a void, and Allah got so bored that He uttered, "Let there be drama" and there it was.

Surely He must have got bored because He created Angels from light and made them go around Him singing praises to Him. Maybe they even performed a ballet called Allah is Great.

He creates the Jinns from smokeless fire. And even takes one of them as his favourite to the rank of angels in his court. You might know this fellow by the name of Iblees. Iblees having personally known and experienced Allah, chose to disobey Him. Yet Allah expects us humans to believe in Him without even having experienced shit about Him.

He knows what would happen when He created humans. Heresy. War. His Wrath. Suffering. Destruction. So He said, "Let the mayhem begin" and it was.

He knows what each of would do in our life time. He knows how pure we are. And yet, He makes us go through a life on this wretched planet with all the fanfare. He demands sacrifice. It is almost as if He has a thing for sadism.

He creates Evil. And he punishes humans for it. Floods. Brimstones from the sky. Plague. Allah loves torture.

He sends down prophet after prophet, religion after religion, claiming that He cares about us and wants to save us from a torment that He has created. Sweet! The blazing FAYAA! Ma BBQ man! The holy frying pan! Sadistic bastard.

He puts a clause in each religion He sends to rejects all other religions, including those others that He sent, declare them as heretics and to fight them. To annihilate the unbelievers from the face of the Earth. And all this in the name of - wait for it - Peace. ROFLMAO.

He could have instill faith in all of us. He could have provided a better way of showing his Existence. But no. He sends down Messengers and faxes them Books. And makes these Messengers do magical things. Like parting the moon or parting the Red Sea. The Books tell tales of magic, mythology and fantasy. And we read them in awe. The greatest stories ever told. Worthy of multiple movies in Hollywood. Disney was probably a creation of God. They tell the adventures of the prophets and how we are supposed to legally relieve our sexual tensions.

At the end of all this comes the Judgement Day when He will refuse to let the dead rest in peace any longer. We are reanimated and made to wait yet millennia, wondering whether we are gonna rip some 72 hymens or sizzle our whistles on the eternal flame. Scare tactics.

And finally, paradise for those who were good ol chumps who worshipped Allah, even though they raped and plundered. For each are a tent near a cool oasis where trees grow. Sounds like an Arab fantasy of the time of Mohamed. Had the pedophile been around this time, the Quran probably would have promised mansions with central air-conditioning with well trained whores and cable TV. Maybe even a Wii.

For those who were naughty enough to not follow the ambiguous ramblings of Allah, even though they gave in charity and didn’t harm a soul, a black fire awaits them. They will burn in there forever.

And from the very beginning till the end, all this serves as entertainment for a bored Allah. A cosmic drama for His enjoyment. A tragedy of apocalyptic proportions to soothe His loins. On hindsight, He would realise that He would have been better off just banging all virgins in Paradise. And we should realise that this asshole made us go though all this shit just to serve him as a Punch & Judy show.

Attributes of Allah - The Most Needy

Why did Allah create the universe, the creatures and the human beings? He declares that human beings were created only to worship Him. But He also declares that He is free from need. So He really doesn't need our worship. Then what is the point of creating some universe and making people suffer in it? Does Allah create things for no reason whatsoever? Did He create humans knowing that they would make Him very angry? Why does He beg in Quran asking us to give Him money promising to pay it back in the hereafter? Why does He keep whining like a sorority bitch who just got dumped?

Maybe He is lonely. It gets lonely at the top. He really should get some pussy to cool off. Maybe He is bored and needs something to play with. Angels running around and praising Him. Jinns and humans fighting and frequent bloodshed. It is like a Roman Colosseum, where gladiators bled each other for glory and praise of the spectators. Maybe He is horny and likes to use his super vision to peep on girls taking baths or under the hijab of well covered modest Muslim women. Maybe He is having an inferiority complex and needs everyone else to tell Him how perfect He is. Maybe He needs someone to play with. Maybe He is a bullying little kid testing out His awesome powers!

Why did Allah create things that He never needed? Maybe He actually did need them, but is too proud to admit it being a God and all. After all, He has an image to keep, you know?

Attributes of Allah - The Most Boastful

I am the Greatest. I have the power! I am the best. I can do anything. To me belongs everything. I can create humans. I can destroy humans. I can recreate them all over again. I can choose to get them laid or roast them on my eternal bbq. I created a flood strong enough to wipe out the entire world. I am all hearing. I am all seeing. I am the wisest. I am unbeatable. I am incomparable. I don't need anything. I am the most sublime. I am the nicest. I am the prettiest. I am the fairest of us all. I am the most generous. Me! Myself! I! Mine! Did I mention that I am also the most modest?

Attributes of Allah - The Most Clueless

Quran claims that Allah is The Wise, The Guide, Infallible Teacher and Knower. But I say, He is goddamn Clueless!

Allah created the human beings while knowing what we are capable of. He could have chosen to either not create us at all or to create us better that we don't suffer. Why does He require us to act out ourselves on this stage called the world? If He is all knowing, then why does He need all this drama? Because He is clueless.

He destroyed everything with a flood in the story of Noah because He wanted to get rid of the evil that was plaguing the world. Did He succeed is wiping the evil? No. Then why did He bring upon this terrible flood? Because He is clueless.

He destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah because of the evils happening in there - most significantly, homosexuality. But there are so many gay people still around. Why did He destroy those cities? Because He is clueless.

He brought down religion after religion to humanity through His dumbass Prophets. The religions only served as a basis of conflict amongst each other, even up to today. And the division within the religions caused further suffering to the followers. What the hell was He trying to achieve? Peace? He truly is clueless.

He declared that humans were his "chosen" creation. He declared that the Jews were His "chosen" people. He turned around and declared that the Muslims were His "chosen" people. Pretty much every religion he has passed down has got their followers to believe that they are "chosen". As far as the "chosen" goes, He is clueless.

He sent down this allegedly infallible, perfect work of art in the form of a book called Quran. This perfect word of God is open to interpretation and confusion, even amongst followers. With its incoherent verses sometimes contradicting, at other times commanding to commit atrocities and ever so repeatedly asserting that He is the true God, it does not demonstrate any value that it claims to have. Why send such a confusing book? He is clueless.

Attributes of Allah - The Most Imaginary

Imagine, there is this benevolent God who created us out of nothing, provided us with everything and delivered us from punishment. Yes, just imagine and leave it at that.

Allah is the Batin, as claimed by Mohamed in his book, the Quran. He is hidden, unseen and any glimpse that you will ever have of him is through imagination. Any claim of proof in Quran by no means shows any solid evidence. Repeating verse by verse, asserting how the pondering over the creation would show us how real Allah is. We have pondered and we have searched. We see no proof of Allah - unless if we imagine it.

Allah is just concept, like all those Gods who live in the thoughts of their believers, which is but a figment of your imagination. A figment of imagination that was brought down generations to you, and now you dwell in the horrors unimaginable that could befall upon you and everyone around you, should you stop imagining.

So imagine that there is this cruel beast called Allah who enjoys the violent murdering and sadistic suffering of human beings. Grow out of your childhood imaginations and those that you were forced to imagine; and realise the reality that you are shielded from.

Ramazan Mubarik! Allah has arrived!

If you think the myth of God's manifestation upon earth as Jesus is blasphemous enough, try The 99 Attributes of Allah that have manifested as superheroes. It gives a taste of how Allah will feel like in your face when He distributes His powers to the humans and how Allah can be reduced to a comic book. When was the last time you heard "people around the world possessing mystical crystals which give them super powers" cliché?

To commemorate the auspicious month of starving, We shall be running a series of posts dedicated to attributes of Allah.